In Which I Go For A Ride, And Someone’s Had Their Last Ride (As In, Dead.)
Last Monday it was a rest day from running so I went out for a bike ride instead. I planned my route out and figured it’d take about an hour, in the late afternoon. I mapped the route so that I’d go along and down the main road for a bit, before venturing off on the canal path for a few miles before attempting (and failing to conquer) a MASSIVE hill near home, before having a steady mile of flat roads and then home.
I planned it like this, a big circle around where I live, so that I could cut it short at anytime if I got right tired, or crashed or got bit by a walrus or anything. Be prepared and all that.
A little while after setting off I was on the canal path, and thinking to myself how nice it was that I’m seeing all this nature and getting exercise, which I wouldn’t even of considered a few months ago. I saw a Heron/Stork/Bird thing, which flew off before I got a picture. (I’m not bad at naming birds; Crow, Magpie, Penguin and such, and can also name Dog breeds: German Shepherd, Labrador, Pug, but when it’s Cats it’s pretty much just: Cat, Cat, Cat…)
Anyway, there were a few birds flapping about and probably a few fish swimming about, when I saw this in the canal:
Whoops!
I’m not an expert, but I don’t think that’s how you drive one of these…
After taking a picture and getting back on my bike, I followed the path around the route, passing plenty of joggers and cyclists coming the other way which made me worry that I was on a One Way canal path and I was going the wrong way, with all the proper-way people tutting as I passed. Soon enough I passed another bloke on a bike though, heading in the same direction, so I used him as a pacer for a bit (mainly so I could blame him when the canal police told us off.)
I came to where I come off the canal path and took this picture of the evening:
Not even instagrammed! (well, OK, it is. Not the colours though!)
I walked my bike up through the woods and got onto the main road, where I then cycled towards Shipley. Halfway down the road I was passed a couple of ‘proper’ looking cyclists who both said Hello to me. (I replied with **PANT**COUGH**HI!**PANT**WHEEZE**) They both passed me easily enough but as the road started to go slightly downhill I decided to try keep pace. I managed it quite well too!
Getting to where I was about to turn off, we approached some temporary traffic lights and they both went towards the front of the traffic (as the lights were on red.) I followed. Reaching the lights, THEY BOTH JUST CARRIED ON THROUGH THE RED LIGHT! I was so shocked THAT I ALSO WENT THROUGH THE RED LIGHT! Luckily no one saw. I turned left at the next (green) set of traffic lights and tried to go up Carr Hill. It’s a beast. Seriously, cars struggle to get up it. I managed a few metres before I got off and pushed my bike, which was hard enough by itself! I (slowly) got to the top, got back on my bike, and peddled the steady mile or so home. All in all, I managed just over 10 1/2 miles in just over an hour.
Tuesday, myself and Sarah were both off work and it was quite a sunny day (not warm though) so we decided to go up to a place called Yeadon Tarn where theres a boating lake and… ducks and stuff. A lap of the Tarn is just under a mile. We walked halfway round, then got an ice cream. (Sunny = Ice Cream. Even if the weather is freezing. It was cold enough to have to buy a Hot Chocolate at the same time, but Sunny = Ice Cream.) We walked one lap, and then decided to walk it again, but without another Ice Cream.
Half way round our second lap, Sarah said that she could see a box floating in the lake near the edge, so we had a nosey when we went passed. Turns out that it was one of those boxes THAT CONTAINS SOMEONES ASHES AFTER THEY’VE BEEN CREMATED! The date on it was 2011. Now, I don’t know if they’ve been floating there for two years or not, but surely one of the boating people would’ve gotten them out by now? Otherwise, someones been to the Tarn recently with the box of ashes and accidentally dropped them in the water THEN JUST LEFT THEM THERE. I have no idea.
How I Think It Happened
“I’ve always wanted to be buried at sea.”
“Really? Bit far, the sea side. How about that Tarn Lake thing?”
“That Tarn… Yeah, I suppose that’ll do. I’d have to be cremated I guess, to go in there.”
“I’m not touching your ashes.”
“…What?”
“I’m not touching your ashes. I’ll get em everywhere!”
“Just open the box and tip me in.”
“Could do I suppose. What if it’s windy?”
“Do it when it’s not.”
“It’s always windy this time of year.”
“Do it in the bloody summer!”
“Yeah, could do…”
The bloke dies in 2011. Eventually, the day comes. 2013. It’s been windy for two years, but she’s glad she’s waited for this day. The first sunny day of the year, though it’s cold. Sunny days mean Ice Cream however, so that’s the plan for afterwards. Probably a flake too. Reaching the waters edge she sheds a tear as she prepares to open the box. A slight breeze tickles the back of her neck.
“Sod this!” She says, and lobs the whole box in.
The End
Speaking of made up stuff, I wrote a short story and put it on that WattPad website. If you fancy a read, it’s here (opens new window):
(A shorter short story, would be a better name.)
Any comments are welcome!
Marc Hemingway 
Pingback: Living My Nightmare | The Will to Prepare
I love your posts. You should blog a lot more!
That means I’d have to run a lot more!
That’s why my posts have been sparse too!
Nice photos also. 🙂
Thank you for liking my illustrations ‘Grammar, Pronounciation, Spelling & Vocabulary’. 🙂
What a colorful write-up with colorful pictures to boot! 🙂
there’s always time for a flake
Having been pulled over by the cops for running a stop sign on my bike I NEVER run a red light,with one exception. Some lights require being triggered by a car and the bike isn’t heavy enough. I always stop first to make sure it is clear.
LOVE the ashes story! Nice post! Keep trying on the hill, you will get it!
Alternating running with cycling will save your knees too. Take it from me, if I knew thirty years ago what I know now I would have done more cycling throughout my lifetime. Nevertheless, I’m thankful I can still pound the trails.
I’ve been shocked at cyclists going through red lights (and they wonder why they get squished!).
Think if I had a 99 then I wouldn’t want to get ashes in my mr whippy and so I’d just lob the box in!
Be interesting to see if that vehicle is still in the canal later on in the year!
This HAS to be British lingo because I didn’t understand a word of the second sentence, lol. Can you please translate for this confused American? It’s the 99 and Mr Whippy that have me confused…
Don’t you have Ice Cream vans?! A 99 is an ice cream (with a flake) and a Mr Whippy is also an ice cream, but also what a lot of them call their ice cream van business. Ironically, a 99 now costs about 1.99.
We do have ice cream trucks, yes, but nothing called a Mr. Whippy, or an ice cream called a 99 (and I don’t know what a flake is). But my favorite ice cream from the truck is a Choco Taco or a Drumstick.
A flake is a little bar of chocolate that they put in your ice cream. I was hoping you’d say you don’t have ice cream vans, I was gonna come over and open up a business!
A flake is like a thickish finger of rippled flaky chocolate. When you bite it it disintegrates. Think shavings of chocolate squashed back together.
sorry lol
a 99 is an ice cream cornet with a flake ( I think they used to cost 99p), Mr Whippy is a brand of soft ice cream that comes out of a pump.
At least I know that USA and UK cyclists both have bad habits re. red lights 🙂
They may have cost 99p once, but I can remember them costing threepence or sixpence in old money.
I love it — ice cream cornet! It’s an ice cream swirl here. But we don’t have crowns 🙂 I wish we had flakes — that sounds good. But we do have ice cream sprinkles, which are also called jimmies, shots, or sparkles, depending where in the US you live. I call them jimmies.
We do have red light runners, too, unfortunately, and bikers who seem to like to push runners off trails.
Hilarious…i bet it happened just like that too.
You made my day with this. Not quite what I expected to read!
I really like your box of ashes story! Made me laugh.
This post had me in giggles.
I really LOL’d at this: “Sod this!” She says, and lobs the whole box in.
I was already laughing when I got to that point but then I actually laughed OUT LOUD! Great story. Need a pic of Cars Hill.